His name is the Ab Lobster and he comes from one of my favorite websites, Hot Chicks with Douche Bags. This the first time I have ever outwardly pimped a site and the reason I’m doing it is two-fold. The first is that the whole site is pictures of “hot chicks” posing with ginormous douchebags, something that I and all the other visitors are, for some odd reason, obsessed with. Honestly, you may think you’ve seen some douchebags in your life, but until you’ve perused the Scrote Hall of Fame you haven’t seen dick. The second reason I’m posting about this is because whilst bored at work today and googling myself (one of the greatest and most self indulgent offerings of technology in the 21st century) I stumbled upon an article I wrote maybe 5 years ago for some crappy website that paid very little and had roughly 20 people reading it. At the time I was just pumped to have my stuff anywhere online (this was before blogs like this and knowing that something you wrote was on the internet was a huge ego boost). I should warn you, it’s long, like 3,000 words worth and although I tried to make some early relevant point about key demographics in the 2004 election, it’s really a bunch of ramblings about one of my favorite topics, meatheads. Enjoy
Recently I read an interesting article in one of the magazines, either Details or Esquire, who can tell the difference aside from Vanity Fair, which packs more interesting articles on one issue than most magazines do in a year. The article that piqued my interest was on the sub culture of people, men in particularly, whose lifestyles and attitudes could be best be described as testosterone drive and sophomoric. The title of the piece was “Jackass.” Although I did enjoy the writing, I was bothered by it as well. After some time digesting the contents of said article I feel ready to comment on it.First and foremost, the title of the article is wrong. The nomenclature used to describe the subject is not correct. A “Jackass” by definition is someone who commits a moronic act or behaves like an idiot, on a single occasion, although they could do it multiple times. Some people might be tempted to refer to them as a ‘dumbass” but there is a major difference. The dumbass acts the way they do because they don’t know any better, generally a result of a lack of education. They are mostly unaware that they are in fact a dumbass, not because they are too stupid to notice, it’s that they are too stupid not to notice. For them, pondering the consequences of their actions or the message they are sending to others is a concept as foreign to them a biochemistry or postmodern architecture. It is also why when someone is called a dumbass, it is an insult but also an observation, a condescending one at that that the individual doesn’t know any better therefore we cannot blame him or her for their stupid actions.
Conversely, the Jackass is someone who should know better but does something stupid anyway. Additionally, one can always be a dumbass, but a jackass is more a state of mind at a particular point in time, usually alcohol is involved. I would imagine one could not get through life being a jackass all the time as it would be difficult to hold down a job, have any friends or generally exist in society. The window for such activities that would result in being labeled a jackass is a small one, all the more reason why when someone chooses to adopt that nature, their following actions tend to be so extreme. Another trait of being a Jackass is than anyone can do it at anytime. Even the most educated individuals are not immune, nor are those to claim to abhor such behavior. Whether it is being overly rude to a waiter, a crude comment or joke that you laugh at when you shouldn’t, or the pure pleasure in the misery of another, we all have our Jackass moment. All of which that I am saying goes back to my initial statement that the title of the article was wrong. The people described in the piece were not those who had moments of social ineptness but instead a whole lifestyle of it, one that they celebrated with much enthusiasm and showmanship, combined with a slightly scary confidence and egotism usually reserved for the so-called cultural elite. Taking into account that it was a lifestyle rather than a simple act, the proper terminology for these individuals is “Meatheads.”
To first begin the understanding of Meatheads you have to break down what the name means. Everyone’s favorite bigot, TV’s Archie Bunker in referring to his loathsome son-in-law, represents the first publicized usage of the term. Archie Bunker was the man of the past, while his son-in-law, was the new face of the world order, open for equality to everyone and for peace rather than war. In Archie’s mind, that way of thinking was beyond idiotic and the best way to describe someone who thought that way was a meathead, i.e. his head was full of meat instead of a brain. In that sense, the name perfectly encapsulates the intending meaning behind it.
Beyond that actual literal meaning, which will be revisited when defining the different species of this breed, is the concept that anyone whose system of beliefs and actions seem completely foreign and furthermore idiotic to you can be called a meathead. The statement is a sweeping one in that it could apply to anyone, in any walk of life. However, despite the omnipotent nature of the word, the term is generally applied to a specific group of individuals. This group is easily identifiable although constantly being confused with the people mentioned previously, jackasses and dumbasses.
From a purely physical standpoint, the Meathead is easy to spot. The first defining characteristic is that he is a male. He is generally is very good shape physically, the result of working out for hours on end. Their physique is further enhanced by the absence of body hair, which is usually shaved off or waxed. Why they do this is not so easy to answer, but there are some theories. The primary one would be that a clean and smooth body is more appealing to the opposite sex, which in the coda of Meatheads is the first commandment in life. Almost as powerful as the supposed increased sexual attribute is the idea that all the famous men shave their bodies in their movies and on television so therefore it must be the thing to do. Finally, the idea of having a hairless, muscular body is a reminder of youth, something that all Meatheads strive to hold on to with both hands in a death grip. To them, having chest hair and be slightly out of shape is the sign of old age, which they equate to never having any fun and being boring, so they figure if they look young, and of course act young, they will in fact be young. When it is spelled out like that you can see how ludicrous an idea it is, but you must remember, that Meatheads, or at least the most traditional version of one, don’t pay great attention to making much sense.
Beyond the hairless, muscular bodies are other easily identifiable traits, gelled back hair, and excessive jewelry such as earring, rings, bracelets, necklaces and the ever-present tattoo. In regards to jewelry it is my personal belief that no man should ever wear rings unless it is a wedding band, championship ring from a Pro Sport or if they are in the Mafia. The same applies to bracelets, which a man should never wear or necklaces, unless they have religious significance or they are a rapper. It is on the tattoo though that I feel I must make a statement of judgment.
The simple fact of tattoos are that they are permanent, although you can undergo painful surgery to have it removed but few people do. Taking into account this is something you will have on your body forever, wouldn’t you want it to really mean something? Shouldn’t the purpose of having ink burned into your flesh be more than the simple notion that it looks good? This is an idea that makes complete sense to me and I’m sure there are many people out there who have tattoos that do mean a lot to them. It is not those people I’m talking about. I’m talking about the guy with the tribal armband on his left bicep, the barbwire wrapped around his ankle, his Fraternity letters or a cartoon character anywhere on his body. Those symbols, permanently inked on your being that when you are 60 years old you will be forced to look at every waking moment of you life and be reminded of how completely stupid it looks. Of course, none of this matters to the Meathead, they live in the now, with little regard to the future, and if they feel it looks good now, and again, will attract the desired amount of female attention, that is what matters to them.
Shaved bodies, gelled heads, tattoos, jewelry, all that is missing to complete the look is the clothing. The wardrobe can be described pretty easily, tight. Muscle shirts are no doubt the uniform for the meathead, although that can change depending on the region you are in. Up North and out West, tight muscle shirts are the way to go. Down South and the Midwest are different stories. With the exception of Miami, which is part of the South strictly in a geographical sense, the Southern meathead wears another uniform. The typical elements involve pressed pants, khaki preferably, with a button down shirt, top 2 buttons undone, or a golf shirt with prominent logo on the chest, be it a Designer or an actual Golf Course, and smart shoes, either brown or black, never anything else. Summer attire is actually the same across the board, long board shorts, no shirt obviously, and expensive sunglasses.
Having sufficiently discussed the attire of the group we must now focus on their actions, the substance, or lack thereof, beneath the style. The true essence of the Meathead is in their personal tastes. Their favorite movie, favorite actor, song, etc, the various minor ingredients that work to create the main dish. In most instances, trying to figure out a groups particular likes or dislikes would be difficult, but not here. A meathead loves anything that is considered to be cool by their friends. Individualism is the enemy of the meathead so therefore they must instantly embrace that which their peers has deemed to be acceptable. Which is why their favorite movie is whatever action movie they like best. Or it’s “The Shawshank Redemption”, the movie with “feelings” that TBS plays over and over. Their favorite singer or band, that all depends on where they are from. If they are from the North, specifically New Jersey, a haven of Meatheads, they love Bruce Springsteen. If they are from the South, the choices are either Jimmy Buffet or a country music artist. In Miami, it’s Bass music and techno. Out West, it varies, but generally whatever band is big at the time. The list of artists who had or still have their careers solely based on the support of meatheads is endless, Third Eye Blind, Matchbox 20, Limp Bizkit, KORN, Hootie and the Blowfish, Santana (the new version not the old drugged out one), the Eagles, Fleetwood Mac, Journey, Sting (not The Police though, totally different) and of course the Grand Wizard of the Meatheads, the one who they worship and somehow think it makes them cool and hip, The Dave Matthews Bands. I realize many of the bands listed above have fans that do not consider themselves Meatheads, which is totally fine. The point being made was that these musical acts have been adopted by this sub-culture and that if you choose to attend a concert you should be prepared to wade in a sea of meatiness.
Beyond the clothing, or the personal tastes, the single biggest common trait of Meatheads is the blinding desire to conform. For them, strength most definitely comes in numbers and so long as they are surrounded by like-minded people, if not complete clones, they are instilled with a confidence that allow them to act the way they do. All of this theorizing is being done with the knowledge that actual Meatheads themselves will never read this, unless it is in Maxim or Stuff or FHM. Even if they do read it, they won’t care since figuring out why they act the way they do isn’t high up on the list of their priorities.
If you wish to locate Meatheads, if only to observe, there are several places to view them in action. Sporting events are prime real estate and although thousands of people may be in attendance they are easy to spot. The people who start “The Wave” are almost always Meatheads. Additionally, any fan who stands up to cheer his team then looks at the rest of the crowd and yells for them stand up as well is a Meathead. In their mind, they are cheering the hardest out of everyone and people should join them. They also are the ones who yell at players during the game using questionable language, generally oblivious to the people around them, as offending them doesn’t register because their buddies are laughing and that is all that matters. Bars and Clubs are also the domain of Meatheads, usually seen dancing, or more accurately sexually assaulting, girls on the dance floor. If not there, then by the bar ordering rounds of shots and screaming out to their buddies to join them and calling them a “pussy” in they decline. In the work place, anyone who exchanges high fives or fist taps would qualify, as would the majority of salesmen who while riding in an elevator with a attractive female can not just silently acknowledge the fact the women is attractive but must comment loudly once the female leaves. Other places for Meathead congregation include strip clubs, they’ll be the guy who spends hundreds on lap dances in the idea that she actually likes him, or in casino’s where they will commandeer a table, usually blackjack. This is not to say that only Meatheads can gamble, go to strip clubs, attend sporting events, or dance at bars, it’s just that you will always be aware of them unlike other people simply there to enjoy themselves without making a scene.
This phenomenon, of Meatheads, is really nothing new as it permeates every fiber of our society all the way to the White House where our current President is most definitely a Meathead. However, in all the discussion and jokes about the Meathead population, a segment of the group has continually been overlooked.
Getting back to the literal root of the term, the people we have been discussing thus far would be called the Sirloins of the Meathead family. Sirloins in the sense they are big and juicy and on it appears to be a great cut of meat. However, when stacked up against the Porterhouse or T-Bone it doesn’t look seem so amazing. While it looks great on the surface, deep down it’s not that great. Yes it will leave you satisfied but it won’t be exactly what you had in mind. Therefore the naming of the typical Meathead as a Sirloin seems appropriate. All of which brings us to the neglected sect of this community, the ones you might not even realize exist, the high brow, intellectual and trendy meatheads, or as I call them, The Filet Mignons.
Much like the Sirloin, the Filet Mignon exists in a world where all of their likes and dislikes are homogenized to conform to the standards of their group. The key difference is that their tastes appear to be more advanced or developed, but in essence, their logic remains the same. Although a group of urban hipsters, replete with trendy dress shoes, vintage t-shirts, thick leather belts and faded designer jeans, may look down upon the slicked headed, muscle shirted, red-bull and Vodka drinking masses, they are in fact the same. They all adopt the idea that whatever they like is the best and anyone who happens to differ from them is somehow inferior. A Sirloin will make fun of you for not liking sports and listening to Le Tigre and probably call you a “homo” or a “pussy.” A Filet Mignon will see you playing fantasy sports, laughing at American Pie and rocking out to Steve Miller and call you a “moron” or a “dummy.” As you can see, their reactions to outsiders are practically identical, save for a different selection of slurs. In fact, the Filet is probably worse than a Sirloin in that Filet’s view you as mentally inferior due to your lifestyle or personal tastes and will not even take the time to talk to you, instead preferring exclusion. Sirloins, and their love of inclusion will at least engage you in conversation, in the initial hopes that you are one of them, only to find out you’re not and then will dismiss you.
While neither side represents anything noble, better to have tried then to not even give a chance. What is perhaps the most ironic part of all of this is that the things that Sirloins enjoy were most likely once the domain of the Filet’s before they moved on to something else. Therefore there is that level of elitism on the parts of Filet’s in seeing a different, albeit completely identical group, adopt the virtues that they themselves once held so dear. It’s like a circle of idiocy that is never ending, what once was cool in the eyes of one only can become cool in the eyes of the other once the original arbitrators of such distinctions have moved on.
By now you should be sufficiently educated and also tired of hearing about Meatheads. For that I can only say you are in luck as this is the end of the essay however such luck is not afforded to you once you step outside, for they are everywhere. Meatheads have pervaded every fabric of our society, they are our friends, our neighbors, our relatives, our bosses, even sometimes ourselves. There is no use fighting in, the best thing to do is go with the flow, crack open the can of Bud Light they handed you and tap his fist in kind, for it’s their world, we are just suffering in it.
Tags: Dumbass, Filet, Hot Chicks with Douchebags, Jackass, Meatheads, Sirloin
