“La Grange” on Guitar Hero 2

The ability to play a musical instrument is not a skill I possess.  My brief excursions into this general area, which include stints playing (or trying to) the clarinet and french horn in seventh grade were futile and thankfully brief, thankfully so since I couldn’t have picked two lamer instruments.  I have also tried on a few occassions to learn how to play the guitar, with zero success each time, although I can play the shit out of the first twenty seconds of “Redemption Song.”  However, my dreams of one day rocking out on the guitar have been realized, somewhat, thanks to a little game called Guitar Hero.

Prepackaged Belgian Waffle Snacks

I love breakfast foods.  Love, love, love em.  I could eat scrambled eggs, hash browns, bacon and toast for every single meal if my heart and stomach could handle it.  A freshly toasted bagel with lox spread and a slice of tomato may be the closest thing to perfection that I can imagine.  Fresh pancakes, topped with real Vermont maple syrup and a side of sausage, sign me up.  Unfortunately, I can’t have breakfast foods for every meal, either due to lack of convenience, availability or other random circumstances.  But, thanks to the ingenious invention of prepackaged Belgian Waffle snacks, I can get a little snippet of breakfast heaven any time of the day I want.

City of God

With it’s 1000th issue, Entertainment Weekly did the literary equivalent of laying it’s proverbial junk on the sill, begging someone to slam the window shut.  The entire issue was devoted to what they deemed to be “The New Classics”, essentially the best 100 films, TV shows, video games, book and records of the past 25 years.  Obviously I had some issues with their choices, as I’m sure did everyone who picked it up.  That was the point, to spark debate.  In the course of one afternoon I had no fewer than 10 friends share their thoughts on what EW got wrong (and they got a lot wrong).  The most obvious were the infatuation with all things Amy Winehouse and not including any version of Madden Football in the top 50 games, let alone the top 5 where it belongs.  But I wasn’t concerned with the obvious, that would be too easy.  No, what really chapped my ass was a glaring omission from the movie list, not from the top 20, or even the top 50, but from anywhere at all on the list.  That omission, City of God.

Hot Chicks with Douchebags

His name is the Ab Lobster and he comes from one of my favorite websites, Hot Chicks with Douche Bags.  This the first time I have ever outwardly pimped a site and the reason I’m doing it is two-fold.  The first is that the whole site is pictures of “hot chicks” posing with ginormous douchebags, something that I and all the other visitors are, for some odd reason, obsessed with.  Honestly, you may think you’ve seen some douchebags in your life, but until you’ve perused the Scrote Hall of Fame you haven’t seen dick.  The second reason I’m posting about this is because whilst bored at work today and googling myself (one of the greatest and most self indulgent offerings of technology in the 21st century) I stumbled upon an article I wrote maybe 5 years ago for some crappy website that paid very little and had roughly 20 people reading it.  At the time I was just pumped to have my stuff anywhere online (this was before blogs like this and knowing that something you wrote was on the internet was a huge ego boost).  I should warn you, it’s long, like 3,000 words worth and although I tried to make some early relevant point about key demographics in the 2004 election, it’s really a bunch of ramblings about one of my favorite topics, meatheads.  Enjoy

Contextual Songs

Right off the bat I should tell you that I considered putting the group 311 as photo of this post, but instead stood with my initial call to use Dolores and the other dudes whose names I don’t care enough about to know.  Of course, on the surface, those two bands share very little in common, both musically and in regards to their fan base.  I should know.  I am not what you would call a fan of either of the two bands.  So why then am I saluting The Cranberries?  It’s because of what they mean to me, on a deeply personal level. 

The Travolta Principle

If I were to tell you that I believe John Travolta is one of the greatest actors of all time you would think I was an idiot.  And to be fair, if you look at the totality of his career you will see not just a few, but a lot of really shitty career choices.  (I’m not talking about Battlefield Earth here, a forgivable mistake, but more so the entire ouvre of “Look Who’s Talking”).  Thrown in the scientology factor, the ill-fated foray into pop music and the whole obsession with airplanes and things start stacking up against John.  But that’s before you apply the “Travolta Principle” to the equation and see how it shakes everything up.

People Who Leave Reading Materials in Toilet Stalls

Some people are very particular when it comes to going to the bathroom.  Mostly this applies to women who must squat regardless of the situation, but some guys also have issues with certain places.  I am not one of them.  I will use any toilet anywhere if need be.  This is not to say that I don’t appreciate a clean facility, one that is preferibly well-stocked and features working locks on the doors, because I do, but if a situation arises and I have to go, I go.  Luckily, most offices tend to feature bathrooms that meet all reasonable criteria.  And then there are those that go above and beyond.  But I’m not talking about automatic air fresheners or two-ply toilet paper.  No, I’m talking about those that have reading materials, usually newspapers, in the stalls.  And for that we need to thank not the attendent staffs but those unnamed heroes who leave it behind for their fellow brothers.

Sahara Whole Wheat Wraps

First things first, I love bread.  Love, love, love bread.  “Man Can Not Live By Bread Alone?”  Complete and utter bullshit.  I had a semester in college where I studied abroad and spent all my money on alcohol and subsisted on a diet of a fresh baugette and butter for lunch and dinner.   Even today, when my budget is a little better I would gladly devour bread in all of its forms for every single meal.  Sadly though, bread is no longer my best friend.  Sure we hang out a lot and it still holds a special place in my heart, but it’s not the same.  The reason is simple, carbs.  Now I’m going to get all atkins on you, that’s not my point.  My point is that since I get zero exercise, loading up on carbs is not a viable option unless I want to become a fat slob, which I don’t.  (And since I’m already balding, I can’t be fat, because you can be bald, and you can be fat, but you can’t be bald and fat).  So obviously I have problem.  Thankfully there is a solution.  Wraps.

Ewan McGregor in the First 45 Minutes of Moulin Rouge

Some of my favorite all-time movies are musicals and I don’t really know why.  For example, I have seen Grease roughly three-hundred times and whenever I come across it on TV I always get sucked in.  The same goes for Grease 2, which may even be better than the original, albeit for totally different reasons.  Zamed!  Pfeiffer!  I recently watched Across the Universe and really enjoy that as well, in spite of the obviousness of the whole flick, with the whole brother goes to Vietnam, sister gets caught up in the peace movement and Bono wears a cheesy moustache.  However, this does not mean I like all musicals (and I hate Broadway shows oddly enough).  Recent offerings like Dreamgirls, Chicago and Idlewood all sucked to a varying degree.  And then there is Moulin Rouge.  That’s a little tricky, because the first 45 minutes are possibly the most exciting and captivating of any caught on film, the rest of is awful.  But the reason for those first great 45 minutes is Ewan McGregor.

Rational Answers to Hypothetical Questions

The title of this post is slightly misleading.  This is not going to be an written adulation of all answers to questions, that would take too long and I don’t have them all.  More specifically, this gets to the heart of one of the most well-known and therefore oft-asked hypothetical questions.  It is usually asked at the tail end of celebrity interviews, often as a throwaway question meant to provide the subject with a chance to appear all deep and insightful.  It rarely happens though.  And I’m going to tell you why.  But first, the question.  You can have dinner with three people, living or dead, who would they be?